I am High Functioning

If you knew me casually in real life, it is not apparent that depression is an element that is a continuous thread.  It requires consistent management.  & as much as it pains me to admit, I have tackled it in so many different ways – some healthy, some not-so-healthy.

What I’m trying to get at is that I’m often very high-functioning.  Which makes it a lot more difficult to ‘explain’ to people when I’m not in a high-functioning place.  When someone casually asks me how I am, I’ll say “Good.  How are you?”  It’s a polite, conditioned-by-society response & gets the job done.

Keep It Simple

When I’m less than high-functioning, there is added difficulty.  To explain myself.  To get out of bed & pay the bills.  It isn’t uncommon for me to avoid letting people know.  It’s hard enough to get out there & present myself as functioning.  & after all – I’ve always been told not to tell people.  What is odd is that I still try to avoid letting my ‘inner circle’ know.  It’s years of conditioning: “People won’t get it.” – “Employers won’t hire you.” – “People will think you’re weak.”

You know what’s weird about that?  Most people totally get it.  Most people I have been open with about it have either experienced or been close with someone who has experienced something similar.  So, we need to keep reaching out to our inner circles for the deep stuff but remember to let our outer circles know that…yeah, sometimes things aren’t going so well.  & we still are capable in spite of it.

12 thoughts on “I am High Functioning

  1. It makes me crazy when you don’t tell me! But I get it…. Who likes talking about the hard stuff?

    Actually, I do… As long as its not my hard stuff. Heh.

  2. You high function beautifully. And I love it when you tell me what’s really going on.

    I have a hard time “explaining” myself when I’m going through a hard time, and part of that is that I am perceived to be a “happy person”. Thanks for this! And thanks for you.

    1. Oh, Danette, I struggle with that, too! Even internally, I have a hard time reconciling my hard moments with my own perception of myself as a happy person. So I guess it makes sense that other people would struggle with it, too!

      1. It also works the opposite for me, sometimes. I worry someone will see me as “too happy” & will confuse them later when I am no longer that level of happy.

    2. You’re welcome, Danette. It is hard to be ‘acting different’ than the person others are used to seeing. We’re all cohesive – it just doesn’t feel that way sometimes..

  3. I love that you wrote this Allison… thanks foe putting yourself out there.

    I fully get the feeling that being happy creates a contradiction in some people’s minds. Sometimes I doubt my own moods in anticipation that somehow they won’t see my feelings as legitimate. But then I remember that most people are (stupid)… ahem…. looking for mental shortcuts by seeing the world through cookie cutter lenses. And then I remember to trust myself.

    1. Thank you for reading it. Such an important reminder for us to trust ourselves. It won’t get rid of the doubt, but hopefully will assist in us moving past it more often.

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